And so it begins…
I am looking at this penis on my phone and I want to laugh and cry simultaneously. I am completely shocked, amazed and perplexed at the same time. Should I make fun of the size of his dick? Should I tell him he’s an idiot? Or maybe I’ll text him that my dead husband would be highly insulted by such offensive actions on his part. I turn my phone sideways and look at it again. I don’t know, I can’t really tell what size it is, it’s not like he has anything next to it, like a hot wheels car or a wine glass or something. There is just no way to gage size, dammit.
I text nothing…Do you like what you see? He texts. Um yes? I text back. At this point I’m not really sure that this is the direction I want my life to go but I am anxious to get my “first” date under my belt.
We continue chatting by text and I decide he is kinda dumb(I know I should have determined that from the dick pic alone). Since I have decided that he is not MY one, I ask my best bitch if she wants to see a pic of IT. This is why I love my bestie, not only did she not freak, she says OF COURSE! I save the picture to my phone and send it to her. She texts back “nice.” We share a laugh, she reminds me that dating sucks and we go about the rest of our day.
Oh well on to the next boy. As I have said I have so many boys at the point I discard them like used tissue. The next day I start chatting with another boy and I am convinced this time that this boy likes me and I am thrilled. I start singing in my head, I’mm gooingg oonnn a daaaate, although this boy has yet to ask me out and I don’t even know his last name. Undeterred, I keep texting with this boy. I begin to wonder when he’s going to ask me out it’s been a few days of texting and nothing. No fucking date, what the hell!
So I am texting this guy and it happens, the moment in which I have been waiting. Wait, nope, it’s a dick pic, once again on my phone, with the caption “This is what you do to me.”
“WHAT THE FUCK !” I scream. My kids come running upstairs asking what’s the matter. Then it occurred to me, what if I make this into a game. I restart conversations with every boy I have ever met on Ok cupid. I start baiting the boys telling them that I won’t even talk to them unless they show me what they are working with.
Unbelievably this shit works! I start receiving so many dick pics that my bestie and I have replaced our giddy enthusiasm with a passing “eh.” I get so many erections that even my best bitch has seen enough. This is the most amazing human phenomenon ever! I can get men, that I hardly know, to send me pictures of their body parts. I have yet to be asked out on a date and at this point I don’t care. I am having so much fun with my “collection” that dating is of no consequence.
I ask my mother what I should do with all of these pictures, at this point I have about 8. They are all housed in my phone. She says “I don’t know, you’ve never had an art exhibit, do something fancy with them and have some sort of thing.” Ok mom, I’ll have some sort of thing.
But wait…Maybe I’ll finally publish that coffee table book I have always wanted. I’ll call it Dating Dicks, even though I never actually went on a date with any of this dicks. Maybe I’ll create some fanciful art exhibit and show in some ritzy downtown museum, the title DK’s. I have stored these photos on my putie. I am not sure what I will do with this extraordinary collection, which numbers about 20 at this point. However I am open to suggestions.
So during my brief time on Ok cupid I have learned the following things:
Most men will do anything for the smallest chance of the slightest possibility of sex.
For the most part, men think that women think with their vaginas,
AND most importantly, I am a really good liar.
Addendum: I was talking to my best bitch on the phone a few days ago and as I was relaying what my next blog post was about, she mumbles “Oh yeah, I have to erase those dicks from my phone!” It’s not every bestie that carries around dick pics by proxy.