I’ve been listening to a lot of Judy Garland, mainly What’ll I do. When I love something I loooove it.  Which explains this song.  What’ll I do speaks to my grieving heart.  This song plays on my phone or rather I play this song at least four times a day.  When I hear the lyrics:

What’ll I do when you are far away and I am blue, what’ll I do?

What’ll I do with just a photograph, to tell my troubles to.

When I’m alone with only dreams of you that won’t come true, what’ll I do?

Sometimes I cry, but mostly I wonder.  These lyrics not only devastate me but they remind me on a visceral level that my husband is far away.  Whether I believe in heaven or energy transference or nothing at all.  He is gone and I am blue.  I walk up the stairs and hope that this time, maybe this time if I touch the picture of his face just right he will come back.  He’ll be standing in my living room with his skinny white legs and his ginger curls and he will laugh his big booming laugh.  He will tease me for believing anyone with his lust for life could actually die.  What’ll I do seems to be the question of my life right now.  I’ve lost my best friend, my secret keeper, the person who drove me the craziest and whom I loved the most.  Now I’m left with the question what’ll I do?