I am dumb. I have always been dumb, it’s not an insult it’s the truth. The simple fact is that I refuse to believe that I am smart. My husband would tell me all the time how I.Q. tests are “not a true measure of someone’s intelligence”. Peter had an I.Q. of 144. While I have never taken such test, I am convinced that I am dumb. I have severe dyslexia that has never been treated and I have never learned any of the magic tools that Slingerling or any other program teaches. My mom was told when I was a small child that I probably had some form of a learning disability, but she choose to forgo that line of thinking because I seemed perfectly normal. I am not mad at my mom for bypassing any sort of test that would have given answers to the L.D. question. Besides I have much more important things to resent my mother for, cue sex abuse.
Being dumb is not as easy as it sounds, it’s exhausting. Pretending to understand is a bitch. The constant nodding of my head and furrowing my brow when people are having intense, intellectual conversations and I don’t understand what the fuck they are saying. The incessant thought that your right is your left and your left is your right. This is very tricky when trying to find places you’ve never been. I am dumb. But being dumb was O.K. because I had Peter. He was my constant cheerleader, he had a way at finding my weaknesses adorable. It was always so amusing to him when I couldn’t tell my left hand from my right. If someone smart loved me then I was by proxy….smart. Now I am alone. I am dumb and alone.
As I maneuver my way through this “dumb” life this past year, Ive realized some things. First is, everyone is dumb. Every person I have talked to since my husband died is dumb in some form or another, I just never noticed it. I was too focused on my own dumbness. The second is that no one is dumb, including me. Humans have flaws, we all have flaws. This year has taught me that no one is perfect. Period. This year has also taught me that Peter was right, I.Q. tests are not an accurate representation of everything someone has to offer. Maybe I’m not so dumb after all.