Engulfed? All encompassing? A wash in? I really don’t know and can’t remember the appropriate word but I am crushed by grief today and it sucks. It’s been almost two years and I am still engulfed in grief. Everyone tells me it has only been two years and I will learn to “incorporate” the sadness into my life. So far I have learned how to reject it, succumb to it, hate it and laugh at it but not “incorporate” it.

“it’s only been two years.”  The phrase haunts me. I fear I will be one of THOSE women, you know, those women that refuse to believe that their baby is growing up.

“Oh how old is your son?”  “Oh Johnny? He’s 58 months!” No bitch your kid is four and you are ridiculous. I fear that when people ask why I am crying at a totally inappropriate time, my answer will be “My husband died 200 months ago.” Then I will be ridiculous.

I am finding this whole grief; dead husband shit quite inconvenient. Even more inconvenient is trying to accept that it will never go away.  There will never be a time in life where I say “Man, thank God he’s dead!”

So life, grief and my stubbornness continue. Perhaps on my death bed my final words will be…“So this is what it means to incorporate.”