Know thy self.

I don’t know who I am without Peter. I am lost on so many levels without him. I know I am a parent, a single parent. I know I am a woman in love with several men. (I may or may not explain that last sentence in a blog) In an effort to know myself, I have taken every step to ground myself and seek deep spiritual knowledge. I have mined the wells of my sprit and gone to the most deep and powerful source. Not therapy. Been there, done that. Rehab? Nope. As they say, rehab is for quitters and I am no quitter! I have nursed at the teat of the most omnipotent place in the universe. The internet.

I think the internet is the perfect place for me to explore my deep, cavernous hole in my life. I have discovered a whole world of quizzes on the inter webs. A perfect place to seek knowledge and enlightenment. Right? Right! This exploration began as an innocent Facebook quiz several months after Peter died and it was a doozie.

“Which Golden Girl are you?” Now I have always maintained that I was Dorothy and I would fight to the death anyone that ever disagreed with that assumption. So I already know what the test results will be. The quiz is over and the little spinny thing moves in circles and the test is calculating. Beep, boop, beep. The results are in and I don’t even have to look at the screen. “You are Blanche!” “Blanche” I scream at my phone at 3am.

OH. MY. GOD. I am Blanche. The description goes on to explain to me the qualities of Blanche, which I already know because I watch the Golden Girls every night. Blanche is quick witted, as am I. She excels at one liners, well not to brag, and she is driven by a need for attention, which is why I am always late. I need attention, of course! Blanche makes every boy fall for her and she has the tenacity to back it up. Yep! I have slept with several boys since Peter died. Once again, OH.MY.GOD. That must be why I am so sad losing Peter, I am obsessed with boys and sex. I am a quick witted, fast talking slut that needs attention from boys to survive. What a relief! Now I can proceed to the process of grieving as Blanche would grieve. Or should I say the way Blanche DID grieve because she is also my neighbor in the “hood.”

The next day I walk around my world confident in the knowledge that I am Blanche. My whole world has changed from black and white to color, just as I now imagine men feel when they meet me. I am now more flirty with my boyfriend. I am happy to openly acknowledge that I enjoy the company of boys, or as Blanche would call them…Men. I need more now! I need to know more about myself, pronto. Facebook is such a tremendous way to find these life changing quizzes, so forward I go, desperate in my need for more self awareness. Luckily for me I don’t sleep anymore so this is a spectacular life decision for me.

What’s next…Now every woman thinks she is Carrie and really she is the Carrie of her own life. Armed with my new Blanche diagnosis, I fully expect that just like the Golden Girls quiz, I will be wrong and I will indeed be Samantha. I am correct. Samantha it is, she is me. I wonder to myself, “but am I really PROUD of my sex life and my new found sexual freedom?”  Well I must be. The Facebook quiz says I am. I can’t get enough of this new found insight. Back to Facebook but this time I need in depth quizzes, something that speaks to my very core. I search for more, I casually ask Overstreet if she has seen any fun or interesting quizzes ANYWHERE not just Facebook. Overstreet of course doesn’t skip a beat and casually mentions back a few that she has seen. Now we are both taking quizzes on Facebook and since we can never do anything alone, we ask each other the questions and score each others test.  Man! What a blast! Look at me, hanging out with friends, doing some-thing. I really am Carrie, she did stuff right?

I have learned so much about myself and these quizzes are the main reason. Fuck crying on a therapist couch, I never really laid down anyway. Maybe this should be my new career goal; creating quizzes for social media. I could start with; which Facts of Life girl are you? Then I could move on to more complex quizzes like; are you and your best friend really secret enemies? Genius!

I have learned so many things about my new found single self, here’s a quick run down. I know that my Ennegram personality is a loyalist and I thrive on love and my intuition, interesting. I learned that if I were to be a yogi, balance is crucial to my well being. I now also know that I will get remarried at the age of thirty-three. I am currently forty-one.      I know I am a slut that thrives on attention especially from men and Claire from The Breakfast Club is my sprit animal, which fits because I have always wanted to fuck Judd Nelson.

My new found interest in the internet has provided me with the perfect distraction. I get to “get away” from my life for a brief time plus plan my future based on specific results calculated just for me.  Phew! I am so elated that I have found these life altering quizzes because if I didn’t I would have to deal with the real shit that is happening in my life and ain’t nobody got time for that!

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